The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
I want to backpack to the other side of the world.
Visit Arnaud in Paris, Nicholas in UK, Victor in Belgium, Rita in Holland.
To soak up the culture and the atmosphere, to view architecture and nature and the ever changing seasons, to do absolutely nothing but take photographs all day, to understand myself more, to have more thinking time to myself, to be more independent, to be more mature…I want to cut myself off from the rest of the world that I know.
I am looking for something. I am searching for something. Something intangible. Only heartfelt.
I want to find myself again.
Was it ever there?
As I move on each day, going through the notion of it all, asking myself why am I doing all these mundane tasks on hand which I know I have no heart in and will lead me to nowhere in my life, I often ask myself what do I want, what do I need, what should I do…who am I?
I often just remind myself.."Just do Cass, don’t question yourself. Just move on, because when you start to question you start to slow down and stop in your tracks. "
I try to believe that every single day is a day to make improvement in whatever I do, be it mundane or not. I tell myself that I should feel encouraged if today was better than yesterday, and I should aim to make tomorrow better than today.
I tell myself to hang on, to perservere, but it has come to a point that I wonder, am I just telling myself, or am I deluding myself.
I am lost. I have always been lost. I do not know the feeling of having clear objectives and goals in life, or even dreams because I stopped dreaming a long time ago.
I laugh, I smile, I charm, I talk. I do my own things, I behave the way you see because I believe that is what the rest wants to see, I try to fully assume the roles of what people see to the best of my abilities.
But when I am alone, I don’t know who I am. It is as if I am basing my self-worth on what others think and judge.
Alone.. or lonely?
I am exhausted.
